waiting = helpless

Today.. i realised that waiting means helpless..

I was waiting on the corridor in front of Medical Ward 6H, from 8.50am.. holding my blood sample in a plain tube, waiting for the worker from Gribbles came to collect it.

That was for the blood test- Anti CCP, to investigate whether i'm sero-negative Rheumatoid Arthritis. The test was expensive and not available in government hospital, even in PPUKM. the blood test is a must for me, and doctor just leave this instruction without any subsequent help.

Well, i understand. Everyone is busy, no one will help you unless you help yourself. I called up Gribbles Pathology Lab and arranged the appointment, I asked my colleague's help to take blood from me, and i waited for the worker came to collect it..

Standing in front of the ward, I was not feeling comfortable, being in a ward which i don't seem to be welcomed. Students and doctors passed by me, asking why am I here, was speechless and didn't know how to give an answer... the story seems to be so so so long..

Patients were looking at me too.. how come a girl with white coat standing there without doing anything like others do? She isn't look like a patient, with this age..

It was 1.30p.m., I called up Gribbles to confirm the appointment again .. they told me is on the way... The patient's family invited me to sit on a bench together.. she told me she is waiting for her mother who went for hemodialysis.. I tried to smile and hide my embarrassment.

I don't know what else I can do other than sitting and keep waiting.. My handphone battery was empty and I was hungry.. But I know that I can do nothing but keep waiting.. There is a strong feeling inside me and causing me feel like crying.. I hate this feeling and I know that it is known as 'helpless'..

Sometimes i really wish that I have only single identity in this hospital, either medical student or patient.. I hate to be both, and yet overlapping..and I hate to be helpless.. hate waiting without knowing the time limit..