battle

Ms. Dreamy is sinking.. She has been feeling so lost..

It seems like losing a very best friend, who knew her well, understand her most..

Remembering most of the diffucult time, one had accompany to go through..

Whenever times are bad, one will give encourage and support.. and whenever confused moment, one will provide advices and opinions..

And now, with undetermined reason, she has been left alone.. being abandoned..

And she just don't like to be abandoned,
especially by the very precious person of her life..

Well, no one will be blamed for this.. there's nobody fault.

Nobody meant to start a war, but life is always a battlefield.. each word will turn into a war, everyone has their own amour and shield,

we never meant to hurt each other, but just no one can hide the pride, neither will raise the flag..

sleeping

Along this week of holiday, Ms.Dreamy keeps sleeping most of the time..
How come I feel so tired? Really curious.. Don't know why, just want to close the eyes..

Try to wake myself up, holding the books on my hands, 'A Practical Approach to Obstetric problems', 'A Practical Approach to Problems in Gynecology'... feeling even more annoying.. just can't focus and concentrate. I hate myself, how could I become a good doctor if I don't have the passion to read and gain knowledge? Why i will become like that? why i will become someone whom can't even recognized by myself?

No way ok, That wasn't me! That's enough, I don't want to live my life like that.

Ok, fine. everything will back to normal when i go back to my work. I promise myself.

Pain

Here come another painful evening..

I thought i have already get use to the pain, but I was wrong, the pain is still pricking no matter how many times i encounter it..

No one can resist pain, as long as your brain is functional..



Reluctant to take anymore pain-killer, can't even calculate how many tablets i have taken up to date.. convince myself that I can handle the pain without any medication, though never success..

Can't escape the daily medication, for regulation of my immune system..
Warning from doctor, never skip once.. I obey it, without asking the consequence ..

Secret from my heart, inevitably afraid of the side effects, addiction, resistancy, tolerancy..



Received a call from my doctor, adviced that pain is associated with stress..

Keep wondering, am I in stress now? Don't really think so.. But how come the pain reccurs after quite some time of indolence?
There should be something stressing me, slowly and silently..

Doctor said relationship is not encouraged, unless it is a stable one. I said nope, it's nothing to do with relationship, if there is, then it will be the stress for being alone and abandoned..

Sincerely wish that the pain would be relieved after a thorough sleep..

Good Night and Sweet Dream..

Wait

Wondering, what defines this relationship...

They rarely meet, seldom contact, perhaps is due to far distance, perhaps not, because he never dates her eventhough she back to the town.
He never convince anything, but just told to wait until things stable, in terms of career.
Future is unpredictable, so there won't be any promises..
Fine for waiting, but aware that there'll be no due date, could be years.. decades..
It's always not a fair thing for some one to wait without a warranty..
Clock walks, time flies, and will never reverse,
A person only born with one heart, and it can only occupy a person at one time..
It is cruel for some one waiting for life without a promise, while at the mean time grabbing away the chance to meet with another more worthy person..

Apparently, he is not a person who worth waiting, because the worthful person, will never let his loved one to wait without a promise..

Small town, simple family ^^

Ms.Dreamy 在Alor Star度假中。。。

刚刚帮老爸做身体检查，怎知他一下说肚脐周围痛，要Ms.Dreamy检查abdomen,然后又说脚跟痛，问我是不是尿酸， 检查完脚又说早上睡醒背后痛，问Ms.Dreamy骨头有没有问题。。 老妈在旁边偷笑，说老爸几十岁了还要撒娇。。老爸又说脸上黑斑不懂是不是cancer.. fainted.. *.*

接着帮老爸检查眼睛for jaundice and anemia, 他向我打赌说老妈眼睛一定睁不开，如果挣得开的话我要什么就给我什么。。 老妈也不甘示弱的把眼睛睁得大大， 说老爸输定了！！ 老爸装傻假假听不到！结果我们三个笑成一团。haha.. 这就是我的老爸老妈。 ^^老弟去补习了，不然一定和我们闹成一团。（老爸老妈现在在争着等下谁去接老弟放学）

说到老弟，他中午放学时很高兴地 拿着"STAR" 问我要不要看，后来问老妈他什么时候在学校订报纸，原来他知道我习惯看英文报，所以向学校老师拿的。^^下午，老弟和往常一样战战兢兢地拿science参考书进来我房间， 扮作很不小心的打开meiosis and mitosis 的chapter,其实是要我解释给他听。^^从小到大,老弟问我功课一定免不了被我骂，因为不懂是他太迟钝还是我太精明，每次解释都听不明白， 要重复很多次直到我发火。。 今天我告诉自己千万别对我最疼爱的弟弟发脾气了，他已经长大了。:)

大的弟弟现在UPM，所以不在家。前几天告诉他我又要搬宿舍了，他二话不说要来帮我搬，又帮我收拾，又买衣架，又搬东搬西，还要爬三楼楼梯上新宿舍，结果弄到满身大汗，真的很庆幸有个弟弟，不然我搬东西一定搬到死。^^

这就是我的家人，会做很多关心彼此的事，却不会说很多关心彼此的话。。

刚刚老爸老妈又再假装问我毕业后是不是要申请回Alor Star医院工作，我笑着说毕得了业再打算吧！从他们眼中， 我看见了失落..

Making decision

Ms. Dreamy is afraid of making decisions.. seriously..

To make a decision, usually there're two options to choose, either you pick it, or you drop it.. then you have to weigh the outcomes of both options, how much you gain and loss for each option, whether u can afford the loss if not picking it, or the regret for dropping it.. you cannot avoid hesitating, you afraid of making wrong decision, which might make you regret for life. You keep imagine the possible outcomes if you make that decision, but the truth is u can never see the outcome, only after you have made that decision..

You would like to make a decision according to your heart, let say to pick it, but your brain will regulate your thoughts, reminding you the rationality should against emotion..you are struggling.. However, there reach the time for you to decide, no matter what, just have to make a decision.

After that, regardless of what decision you have made, there's definitely a sense of 'loss' following it, maybe not right immediate, but one day it will come.. what you can do is to keep convincing yourself, don't regret.. Because no matter what decision you have made, there are only two outcomes, either you regret for making that decision, or you regret for not making that decision.. So, what for to regret?? that will be endless...

Mah fan 1

Mah fan mah fan mah fan mah fan....
Life is fulled of 'Mah fan'sss..

7/7/09

A BIG surprise from my supervisor-- he couldn't find my case write up!!!! Instead he doesn't even aware that I've submitted to him few weeks earlier by HAND.. Wahh.. it is almost like killing me, do u know how much effort and time i spent on that thing??Though very pek chek, still have to smile and nod my head when he instructed me to reprint it. Ok, fine.. this is what so called 'Supervisor', never try to against him, or else your marks will be very poor..

Fine, asked from hundreds of people around and finally found the one who has pendrive in his pocket, (i just lend my pendrive to a junior one day earlier..really pek chek).. then rushed back to my hostel which is damn far away and 10th floor some more to open my laptop and copied down the document... then rushed back to hospital and the library to print it out.. Very unfortunately, the staper provided in library was ruined.. so rushed to another building with photocopy service for binding. Really very very pek chek when saw a notice pasted in front of the door stating " LUNCH TIME 2pm-3pm".. Ok, so wait in front until 3 pm, finally done and rushed back to hospital again and took lift to 8th floor and found my supervisor's office. knocked onto the door and submit the case write-up again to him.. with a forceful ' SMILE'.. ** sweat..

Received a call from KTDI offering me a room in hospital hostel.. walked from ward to hostel again.. On the way, passed through my car and noticed a 'saman' on the front!!! You can imagine my facial expression.. quickly grabbed it.. " Daftar diri di Jabatan Keselamatan HUKM dalam 12 jam dari masa yang tercatat".. really like hell.. was already damn busy and yet all things come together.. Ok, so turned back to hospital which is really damn far away and go to Jabatan Keselamatan which is hidden in the basement..

Finally settled that saman..continue the journey to KTDI office, discussed with the very 'mah fan' woman about the hostel things.. already very tired.. seriously..

Miss

Time flies.. it's again the end of a week..

Early morning, i opened my eyes, here came the same thought: " how good if i'm at home now!" There isn't any place else can be more wonderful than that. Tell u a secret, I'm seriously missing my home.. and my lovely family.. ^^

That's always a secret in my heart, because I never tell anyone how much i eager to go home.
Don't know why, just don't used to admit it.. i was never trained to express my feelings, and I don't know how.. to say 'I Love You'.

Once upon a time, I wished that I could fly when i grow up, fly away from this small town, far away from my family.. I used to feel bored seeing my family days after days.. routinely. I even annoyed when have to ask for their permission for every decision making.. I hate when my dad always enters my room without knocking the door, I hate when my mum always scolds me for not eating, I hate when my brothers always beep on my diary and handphone..

And now, after years of independent life far away from this small town, I started to realise that the things i hate most are the things i miss most..
I miss that my dad always broke in my room when I was studying alone at night, surprised me so that i can refresh my mind..
I miss that my mum always scolded me for not eating, but then will prepare my most favourite food and failed my plan of keeping fit..
I miss my brothers when they always hide my handphone and read my messages, but finally I'll catch them and we laughed together at the funny messages..
I miss the friday evening, when we all go out for a dinner, telling jokes in the car, mum always intructs dad which road to follow, then dad blames that he is the actual driver, brothers and I will fight for which restaurants to go..
I miss that they always know when i want to go shopping, and accompany me eventhough there are television program to follow, eventhough dad always feels tired on walking, anyway still sit on the bench in front and wait..
I miss that mum always brought me to the morning market, eventhough she had nothing to buy, just because i woke up too early and feeling bored..
I miss that dad always spent half an hour driving to my favourite rojak stall, and trying hard to remember my favour of fruits..
I miss that my brother will try his best to repair my laptop when i ruined it, eventhough he kept scolding me for why not repairing it myself..

Hmm.. I guess that's the reason why i miss Alor Star so much.. because i have a very lovely family.. :) So now, I will never wish to fly anymore, I wish that I could stay with the one I love forever and ever.. eventhough in this small town.. I willing to let go of glory and authority.. just to stay with my beloved family.. ^^

Ring Finger

An interesting email..

為什么婚戒要帶在無名指上，十分有趣~！欣賞欣賞原來是這樣子哦！

1，首先大家伸出两手，将中指向下弯曲，对靠在一起，就是中指的背跟背靠在一起
2，然后将其它的 4个手指分别指尖对碰
3，在开始游戏的正题之前，请确保以下过程中，5个手指只允许一对手指分开。下面开 始游戏的正题。
4，请张开你们那对大母指，大母指代表我们的父母，能够张开，每个人都会有生老病 死，父母也会有一天离我们而去。
5，请大家合上大母指，再张开食指，食指代表兄弟姐妹，他们也都会有自己的家世， 也会离开我们。
6，请大家合上食指，再张开小母指，小母指代表子女，子女长大后，迟早有一天，会 有自己的家庭生活，也会离开我们。
7，那么，请大家合上小母指，再试着张开无名指。这个时候，大家会惊奇的发现无名 指怎么也张不开，因为无名指代表夫妻，是一辈子不分离的。真正的爱，粘在一起后， 是永生永世都分不开的。 这就是夫妻。 ^^

Lucky

Finally have a stable connection and a leisure time for me to write a new post.. ^^

Well, i believe most of you know that Ms.Dreamy is currently doing her clinical posting in UKMMC.. As a third year medical student, one will need to do 2 postings in each semester. For me, the first posting is Surgery while the next will be O&G (Obstetric and Gynecology). Each poting lasts for 8 weeks.

Hmm.. let's talk bout this 'interesting' Surgery posting.. :)

Along the posting, 我突然发觉老妈从小培养我看港剧是对的，因为UKMMC的病人80%是CHERAS华人，而且还是上了年纪的人，所以如果不能说广东话就跟他们沟通不来。其实住院的病人也是很可怜一下， 病到很惨了还要应酬我们这些医学生，被我们轮流interview他们的condition and history,而且全部人问的问题又大同小异，真的不发火才怪！ 而且还要被当白老鼠，让我们这些‘新来的’抽血和insert brenula (点滴）。 昨天看到我同学帮一个阿伯insert brenula,看他手振振那样，结果搞到阿伯痛到跳起来，insert不进还差点造成hematoma,搞到他满头大汗，hehe..（还好Ms.Dreamy的手势不错，so far都没病人complaint过，^^)

不过有些病人又超麻烦一下，有一个糖尿病阿伯每天看到Ms.Dreamy都会叫我拿水给他喝，问题是他的桌子上明明摆着几百种饮料，连100 plus都有，还硬硬叫我拿新的一杯水给他，装了一杯水给他，他又说杯肮脏，真的是以为Ms.Dreamy吃饱没事做，专门帮他“斟茶带水”，真的是“混秸”。 sampai连睡隔壁的阿叔也顶不顺， 直接问他：给你“黑狗”（beer)要不要？ ^^

还有一个auntie也是很搞笑，她是肾衰竭所以来做fistula洗肾，我和几个朋友一起clerk她，可是她每次和Ms. Dreamy讲话都会加上一句“leng lui”, 几乎每一个句子前面都有一句 “lenglui”，虽然Ms.Dreamy对自己external look还蛮confident, 但她真的好像有点夸张，所以老妈说那个auntie一定是在巴刹卖菜的，不然就是晚上在pasar malam卖衣服。haha..

还有一个骨骼疏松症的auntie也是很好笑，她是alor star人，所以Ms.Dreamy可以和她讲最最最熟悉的hokkian uah, 久违的亲切感。简直就一见如故，和她&她女儿sembang到整一个小时。从现在讲到年轻的时候， 还讲到alor star的东西，搞到我很想回家。 由于她是lung problem, 结果她一边sembang一边吐痰。最后吐了一大杯的痰，现在想起来觉得其实有点不卫生，hehe..

but basically, patient 都是很可怜的，他们都是有病了才会住进来。 所以as a health care worker, 我们有责任尽力帮助他们, treat them as our own family members. By the way, Ms.Dreamy觉得很grateful，因为这个世界上其实有很多很多比自己更不幸的人。所以，我们其实已经是非常非常幸运了，don't u think so?

Dear friends, Do you smile for today? ^^

so excited to enter operation room..hehe ^^